Elizabeth Bathory's Thoughts [entries|Fuckers|Note of Events]
Elizabeth Bathory

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Thursday May 23rd 2002
[Thursday May 2002|12:29pm]


How Gay Are YOU?
[?]




Hmm.. yea.. but john's like a guy.. and how could i be soooo attracted to him??.. hehe.. yea.. i'm sooo bi then.. *wink wink wink*


Yea so i haven't posted in years..


JOHN'S MOVING IN WITH ME TODAY!!!!!!!!!


and his friends don't like me.. so fucking well.. he's all mine now..


and i quit subway.. started working at a day care..and then i quit there and i'll prolly start workng somwhere else soon..




well gotta go
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Tuesday May 21st 2002
[Tuesday May 2002|9:43pm]

i got some cool pants..






hehehehe




john got them for me.. he's my wife.. :þ

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Tuesday April 23rd 2002
[Tuesday April 2002|12:38pm]

The song that describes how i feel about myself, and how others view me




BEAUTY FIEND

It's true I'VE GOT DEMONS INSIDE ME
And sometimes they NEED to SPEAK
MY DARK PLACES make me feel UGLY
My LIPS are GLOSSED but my HEART is WEAK
I'M DISEASED
As seen on TV
PLEASE FORGIVE ME
FOR NOT BEING PRETTY
Or sexy
But GOD NEVER BLESSED ME
Here's what you'll find
Next time you UNDRESS ME...
SCARS
WOUNDS
I'm BRUISED...
Watch me bleed
I'M YOUR BEAUTY
Watch me bleed
BEAUTY FIEND

Once again
WITHOUT PERFECT TEETH
I begin the dream as I SLEEP
SOON I'VE SINNED
MY SKIN is STILL THICK
MY MOUTH AS ALWAYS
IS BRUTALLY HONEST
At my CALMEST
I'm tired of explaining
How it FEELS
TO BE EXPLOITED
And RATED
Number ONE, TWO or SEVENTEEN
FUCK what they print in THOSE DAMN MAGAZINES
SCARS
WOUNDS
I'm USED.....
Watch me bleed
I'M NO BEAUTY
Watch me bleed
BEAUTY QUEEN
Watch me bleed
I'M YOUR BEAUTY
Watch me bleed
BEAUTY FIEND

STUCK INSIDE THIS MASK OF MINE
There's no place for me to hide
Won't you please come SUCK ME DRY
Don't touch me
DON'T FUCKIN TOUCH ME
Don't touch me... WHY?
Can't you see BEYOND MY SKIN
SIZE, my SHAPE, my ASS, my TITS
I am not your PRETTY FACE
I'm just a girl
THE GIRL YOU LOVE TO HATE!!!
Watch me bleed
I'M NO BEAUTY
Watch me bleed
BEAUTY QUEEN
Watch me bleed
I'm the beauty
Watch me bleed
BEAUTY FIEND

Why can't you see BEYOND MY SKIN
SIZE, my SHAPE, my ASS, my TITS
I am not your PRETTY FACE
I'm just a girl
THE GIRL YOU LOVE TO HATE!!!

Stuck inside this mask of mine
THERE'S NO PLACE FOR ME TO HIDE
Won't you please come suck me dry
DON'T
DON'T YOU FUCKIN TOUCH ME… PIG


My whole "how i look" has made me so fucking hurt over the years.. i've always been "chubby" and all.. but i've never thought of myself as being ugly.. but others have.. i've lost chances at getting what i want b/c of how i've looked over the years.. i wish people would stop making it an issue.. yea, you can say "It's only an issue when you make it one" I have never made it an issue.. everyone else has made it that way..








I just wish that bullshit would stop..








Me and John are offically dating now!!!!!! again.. hehe.. that makes me happy.. i hope we can stay happy with each other this time
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Monday April 22nd 2002
[Monday April 2002|9:42am]

Ok.. so Friday John comes down.. and it was super cool b/c we were all light-hearted with each other and all.. i loved it.. so we go pay bills, go see Erica at work (badger her about fruit roll-ups. hehe), and i went to show him where i work.. then we get back to my house and he's all tired and i'm wired as fuck.. for bunches of reasons ;).. (anyway) so we were playing around with each other.. like hiting each other and all that stuff.. and then he asks if my feet were still hurting and so he massages my feet!! and kisses them!!!.. boy did they feel better after that *wink wink wink*.. then he says his tummy is hurting and that he's hungry.. so we go in the kitchen.. of course nothin is in there.. so we go lay back down and i rub his tummy and i can tell he's all "feelin better" (in more places than one, hehe) and i just wanted to "jump" him.. but i didn't.. i just rubbed and kissed his tummy like a good girl.. HA! .. anyway.. so we lay there some.. and we held each other.. which was super great.. then mom just had to come home.. so i go in there and let him sleep some then my friend Clay comes by with some "tasty tasty green stuff" and i try to wake up john to see if he'd like to partake but he didn't (:\) and so i sit in the livin room with my MOM and Clay and smoke.. lol.. then i take some to john and he's awake and i wish he would have came in there with us.. but i understand why he didn't.. so he smokes a bowl and all and it's all cool.. then Clay leaves and we go to subway.. and my MANAGER is in there!!! and i'm high as hell.. and he sees me and he's like "well hey Nikki don't you look pretty today" and i'm thinking "YOU'RE SO GAY!".. hahaha.. and so i get my samiches and leave with a quickness!!

So we eat our samiches, and Matt calls and says that he has just enough "candy".. (jussst think).. Erica and Adam get here (that was interesting).. and then Matt and Miranda, Dave, Derrick, and Steve finally get here and we take it and stephanie was here too.. and i sit on the bed with John.. and it HITS ME LIKE A DAMN CAR!! right so i'm clinching on to John like if i let go i'll die.. and i would have.. lol.. anyway.. so yea.. i'm all tellin everyone i love them.. and that i'm honored that their my friend.. and i tell Miranda and Steve i'm honored for them to be my kin folk.. and i hug everyone a million times.. and i know John was getting tired of me holding on to him.. but i had to or i would have died.. hehehe.. anyway.. my friend Derrick and Erica i know liked each other.. so i thought i'd help them out so i tell Derrick "I love you Derrick.. you need to ask Erica out".. lol.. so thanks to me, my dear friends Erica and Derrick got some this weekend.. lol.. Thanks i made it.. hahaha... anyway..

So after a while i stop "rolling balls" and John takes me out side and yes.. i was hopeing it was to make wild, passionate monkey love to me.. but.. it was totally the opposite.. he was like "I don't want us to just 'fuck' b/c we're on X or we're desperate b/c we both haven't had sex in 3 weeks or anything and i don't want to do it for anyother reason than we love each other and we're going to make love".. and so i was like "Aww.. that's like so sweet.." but yea, i was horney as fuck.. and even if we did just kiss and all that good stuff.. we would have been too tempted to have sex for what could be the wrong reasons.. and for me he knows i love him more than anything.. but i understand.. so we hug a lot outside and all and he talks about everything and i was so quiet for some reason.. and all.. but that's ok.. And he tells me that he wants us to work out and all and how much he needs me and how special i am to him.. and my heart is exhilarated (sp?)..


So we go back in.. and we have fun with everyone.. John comes down off the roll.. and i rolled another "ball" and it wasn't as good as the first one.. but it was great.. anyway.. we lay down and go to sleep.. and john isn't tired all that much.. but i'im tired as fuck.. and it was 5 in the mornin.. so we finally go to bed.. and around 8 mom wakes us up and john and i go in moms room b/c the floor isn't all that great.. and Miranda and Matt were fuckin all night.. in MY room.. lol.. and i was so fuckin horney that mornin.. but that's ok.. anyway.. Matt wakes us up around 10 and we get up.. i feel soooooooo good.. with only 5 hours of sleep.. which felt like i had 10 hours of sleep..

So we all wake up and Mom decides to put John, Steve, and Matt up to cut on my big Oak tree and help clean up our yard and all.. which i help some and make sure everyone is taken care of.. which i'm great at that.. Adam, Erica, Derrick have already left.. and miranda goes home..

WELL as we all know.. Saturday was 4/20.. the almighty pot smokers day.. so we decide to get stoned.. so we count change like a damn-it. lol. and we get some "tasty tasty green stuff".. and we get high as hell.. and mom makes pizza.. yay!..

Then we do all that stuff.. John and I pass out on my bed.. and Erica and Derrick Fuck on my couch.. lol.. thanks, i made it.. hahahah.. and Matt, Miranda and Dave leave to go to Matt's house.. anyway.. we wake up Sunday morning and i'm still a little high, and John's still asleep and mom's cleanin.. and John wakes up and Steve's here.. so we go sit on the porch.. then we decide to go to the Jasper Mall.. woo!.. so i get ready.. and mom sells my dresser.. lol.. anyway.. we go to the mall.. nothin special happens.. except for us not finding a magazine that i had gotten for John and i spilt water on it.. :( :( :(.. anyway..

WE come home and John and i talk.. he says "When i get home i'm going to send you a email tellin you some stuff" and i was thinking "OH god no.. i guess we'll never get back together now".. and he says "My heart is here and it pains me to go" and he starts to cry!!.. and i was like "AWww don't cry" and i give him a hug and hold him a while.. and i get him a napkin.. anyway.. we talk for a while and he finally gets to go home around 6 and i wasn't on when he got home b/c i was at the store with mom.. and then i try to stay up to talk to him when he wakes up from nappin.. but i can't.. hehe.. anyway..


and that brings me to now.. I work today from 6 to 11.. woo!..








WEll.. that's all of the wonderful adventures of the great and powerful Nicoli.. tune in next week for an all new episode...





geezus :þ

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Tuesday April 16th 2002
[Tuesday April 2002|10:05am]

Well.. last night i go to work and i work with the nicest woman on the planet, her name is Pam.. and then i work with this girl Melissa, who got flirted with like noone's business.. and she's not that pretty.. but anyway..


I come home and i have 2 emails from John.. which made me feel good and so i call him.. and we talk for 2 and a half hours.. and the only reason why we stoped is b/c my phones went dead.. hehe.. but we both don't like talking on the phone, and we never really talked on the phone much before.. and now that we're broken up, we talk on the phone more it seems like.. and i sorta kinda spilled my guts out to him. and i dont' know how much he liked that but he said i could talk to him about anything.. and so i did..


Yesterday we talked about things and all and i finally figured out he REALLY REALLY does care about me and about talking to me at least once a day.. which made me feel super good.. and how much he needs me was stated yesterday too.. so it's (good) weird in that way b/c eventhough we're broken up and all, we're still as close as ever..


He's super depressed .. and i'm trying everything within my power to make him feel better, secure, and that i love him more than anything.. So he'll feel wanted and needed.. b/c he is very much wanted/needed with me.. It's like each and everyday i wish we lived closer so that when things got really hard or bad we can see each other and mend each other in person.. and at least have a hug.. b/c those are great from anyone.. and esp. from him..

But in all acctuality i miss him.. I miss looking forward to kissing him, holding him and making love to him and being just being with my b/f.. but now i suppose i have other things to look forward to when i see him.. and that's being with my best friend, hanging out with him and having a good time with him no matter what we do and not having any strings attached.. Which we had a good time with each other before.. but now it's going to be different.. i just don't know how yet.. but it's something new.. so why not look forward to it?







::blahhhh:: enough of me rambling about the john and the Nicoli :þ

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Monday April 15th 2002
[Monday April 2002|9:46am]

I have a job now at subway.. woooo.


I can't sleep.. and i've lost my appetite.. and all i can think about is John.. I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with what's happened.. I thought i'd just go into denial and be able to deal with him breaking up with me.. well i did for almost a week.. but i can't help but face this bitter reality and it just won't go away. Yesterday when i came home from work i tried sleeping.. and i had this dream of this time john and i were happy together.. just simply happy.. and i woke up and almost screamed.. I don't know what's wrong with me.. why can't i just be happy that he's wanting to be my best friend? At least i'll "have" him forever.. b/c friends do last forever.. i guess i'll just have to let time heal me and all and help me get over this cruel fact..



I'll make it though.. john's all depressed and he thinks he has noone.. but he'll always have me.. i said that about Brian.. but John has shown me how real love feels like and that will never go away.





::sigh::

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Saturday April 13th 2002
[Saturday April 2002|12:10pm]

I'm strange!


How much of a freak are you?






People were hung in various positions from you, sometimes with weights, stretching and dislocating limbs. Sometimes they were left to starve or succumb to the elements. All in all, you're a pretty forgiving person, provided they don't -really- get you angry.

What torture would you be?




John called me last night.. i was really happy he did.. it was really good hearing his voice.. and it made my night:þ
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Friday April 12th 2002
[Friday April 2002|11:48am]

"The Proper measure with which to judge any an all human beings is that they are really creatures who should not exist at all and who are doing penance for their lives by their manifold sufferings and their death. What could we expect of such creatures? Are we not all sinners under sentance of death? We do penace for having been born, first by living then by dying".
-Paregris (from Nietzsche's Tragic Age of the Greeks

give me your thoughts

Tuesday April 9th 2002
[Tuesday April 2002|9:03pm]

CANSTPEAK
---------
Can't speak
Can't talk
Can't do anything i want

Can't hide
Or change your mind
Gonna live with all my soul
Inside, 'cause

Can't speak
Can't talk
Can't stop for the reeling cause
Or love
I told 'em all about it
Can't talk
'Cause I'm already lost, you see

Can't think
Can't cry
Keep thinking of a suicide
It's hard
I just can't forget it
Gonna fade 'cause I'm already dead

Can't think
Can't dream
Don't care if I live or die
I don't talk
I just can't believe it
Gonna fade 'cause I'm already dead

I can't think
I can't dream
Don't believe anything I see
Oh I don't want to get it
Gotta leave
Or I'll live to regret it

I can't speak
I can't lie
Can't go anywhere to hide, 'cause
I can't think
I can't cry
I keep thinking of a suicide, 'cause

I can't speak
I can't talk
Can't do anything I want, 'cause
I can't hide
Or change your mind
Gonna live with all my soul inside, 'cause

I can't speak
Can't talk
Can't do anything I want
I can't hide
Or change your mind
I'm gonna live with all my soul inside, 'cause








Well..


John called off our relationship today.. I can't begin to say what i feel.. or how i feel about it.. i'm just speachless.. not shocked.. b/c i knew it was coming.. I don't really know what to do.. When he first brought it up i started pacing the floor.. and i hit the wall.. b/c of the past repeating itself.. my nuckles hurt.. I hurt.. but i don't know how much yet..








::cries::

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Monday April 8th 2002
[Monday April 2002|8:38pm]

I GOT MY TATTOOOOOO!!!!!!!!











I feel so great..








::dances::








John's sick.. and i haven't talked to him all day.. which i understand why and all.. i'm just worried about him..








But i got a tatttoooo.. hehe








::smiles::
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Saturday April 6th 2002
[Saturday April 2002|9:02pm]

Take the Which Black Daisies Character Are you Quiz?


my blackdaisies character



You are Mercy. Your favourite instrument in your bleak little world is your eyeliner and Raven black Manic Panic lipstick. You dress like you're going to an 18th Century funeral. You hate daytime, you're prone to hang out in clubs, sitting alone or with friends who look like you with a solitary candle and a glass of red wine at the table. You still listen to The Sisters of Mercy and Christian Death (but you loathe Valor), and Anne Rice is a brilliant writer to you. Some people call you pretentious, you just say that the world will never understand you.


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[Saturday April 2002|11:58am]

so.. my week..




I went to see Hatebreed Wednesday night with John.. Hatebreed was awesome.. but the other two bands: The first one was just stupid.. they were like "Hey we love Jesus and we're a 'death metal band' and we're going to tell you w/out you asking.." BAH! lol.. then the second one has good potential..


Then we get home and we talk for a good 2 hours about things.. like if we were to break up and all and how we'd like for it to be.. which SCARES the FUCK out of me.. b/c in so many other relationships before the date of the break up.. the guy ALWAYS say "Hey, if we *WERE* to break up.. i'd like to remain friends".. then a couple of weeks later, we break up b/c of "extenuating circumstances"........................... right..


But John is very different from the guys i usually "attract" or am attracted to... and our relationship has been the best that i've ever had.. yet, i have went through more emotional..( not exactly "hurt").. i'd have to say pain.. than i have ever went "through" with this relationship.. but i guess b/c we both felt the same.. and us being very empathetic creatures.. we feel what each other feels.. more than half the time.. and if we lived in the same city.. we would most of the time.. so with that being in the picture.. if he's hurting.. i'm hurting too.. and if we're both hurting.. then that's really bad.. so i'm very fourtunate to have someone like him.. i just hope he's not planing to break up with me soon b/c i don't know if i could take that.. i mean.. i've been smoking "sweet green goodness" more here lately than before b/c i've been under stress like hella bad.. like my mom's became a bitch from hell, problems with me and john, and the stress of putting in apps. everywhere and even more than 2 at some places and still not getting hired (no, these places don't do drug testing).. and i dont' think me smokeing to help deal with things is a bad thing b/c everyone has their own way of dealing with stress and i'm sorry if John doens't like it but it's my way of not wanting to die...... it's just how i feel.. i have to have something or someone to help me more here lately..which is really weird b/c usually i'm a very very independant person.. i could deal with anything on my own.. but here lately i'm feeling very alone and "naked" in a sence.. (which i've never really felt alone before like that and it scares me, i dont' want to be alone) and i feel anything to cover me up is legit.. (but i'm not stupid enough to get into other drugs).. I don't expect anyone to understand my reasonings, or my pain.. To think that would be very selfish of me.. i just ask not to be looked down upon for turning to a "American socially non-accepting" thing.. i swear i need to move to Holland or some place not here..


John's been talking about moving out of state and all.. where does that leave me?.. so that leads me to think even more he'll break up with me or something.. i'm just paranoid i suppose over that.. b/c it has happened in the past many times.. I just need to go with the flow i suppose.. but i've been talking to him about the whole "break up thing" and all.. so i hope he doesn't think i'll break up with him b/c i don't want to... and i couldn't..

Is it wrong that i basically told him "You'll have to break up with me b/c i could go on forever with something".. like really puttin the "monkey on his back" so to speak..?

He feels that it isn't exactly wrong.. but he couldn't break up with me b/c he hates hurting me and he told me that "There's only a few people in the world i care about.. and you're like the only i hate hurting..." which made me feel great.. but if he doesn't want to be with me anymore.. that means he'll stay b/c it would basically hurt both of us.. so he wouldn't, and that is bad in itself.


I keep telling John that he should tell me how he feels no matter how harsh or not "sensitive" it is.. b/c in the long run, if he keeps all that to himself.. it could 1.) Destroy our relationship even to friend state if bad 2.) If it could have been fixed it couldn't when it all comes out b/c there would be so much anger and frustration that only *hopefully* friendship coudl be slavaged from it or 3.) We would both be hurt to hell and back b/c we kept something important from each other and in turn that destroyed our relationship.. and we would feel bitter even more at everything b/c of that...



Anyway.. I'M GETTING A TATTOO MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.. hehehe.. i can't wait.. i'm getting the Eye of Hores (sp?).. on my ankle.. kinda sorta..


Anyway.. i'm going to do stuff..
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Tuesday April 2nd 2002
[Tuesday April 2002|9:52pm]



"Bondage is my thing. Bow to me, bitch."

What's Your Fetish? Take the test at Nollykin's World







Which Marilyn Manson are you? Take the Which Marilyn Manson are you quiz to find out!
Quiz by Chameleon669!
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Monday April 1st 2002
[Monday April 2002|3:17pm]

This is how my weekend went




Thursday i can go to John's house so i go.. it was great.. at first he was "pissy" and all.. but then the night got better.. and everything was awesome.. even "our" time.. it was great..


Friday i wake up like at 3 and we sit around for a while.. then we go to the mall and walk and we wear our spikes then the "Po-Po" says take them off b/c it's a weapon thing.. and we're like "right".. so i get a finger gaunlet and it's cool.. and then we go Role play at John's friend david's house..i get sick and we come home and i get sick some more.. then i go to sleep..


Saturday we wake up and i feel better.. and we do nothing all day.. John seemed to be really really quiet and i was thinking he really didn't want me there.. but that's just John sometimes.. just quiet.. I try to make some chicken and potatoes.. it said "NO!".. so that was a "dud". so we go see Blade II.. IT WAS AWESOME!!!... i think everyone should go see that movie... then we come home and eat some tacos and i start to feel sick again.. but i didn't b/c i layed down and i felt better.. and then John and i have "our time" then i try to talk to him b/c Thursday he says "we need to have a serious talk" and so i'm like eager to hear what he has to say about things.. but he thought i wouldn't understand and all so we kinda have a spat and i cry some and he just laid there.. but he didn't know to do anything and he was prolly mad at me.. but that's ok..


Sunday.. i get up kinda pissy b/c of what happened the night before and start getting ready.. then john gets on the phone with his dad and i pack and i was majorly sad.. like really really sad so i cry (yea, i cry a lot but it makes me feel better).. and then i load my stuff up in the car and he gets off the phone and we talk some and watch the last of Gladiator.. and i start feeling not as sad and i leave... hugs are great and kisses from john are the best.. I didn't want to leave him.. but that's something i have to get use to.



and then that brings us to me being home



I get like really sick sunday night.. i felt i was going to die..


then i wake up today feeling fine.. and here i am









That's all for now
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Wednesday March 27th 2002
[Wednesday March 2002|9:51pm]

Things are finally fixed..
things are looking up.. thank geezus..





John called me yesternight.. we didn't argue a damn bit yesterday.. which was great.. it relieved soooooooo much stress off my mind.. now we're "mending" each other.. and now to fix what else there is to fix.. and hope to geezus nothing else bad happens with us..




Dad went to the hospital today, which sucked.. dad's been sick for a long time and for those that don't know my dad's dying from this lung diease that was caused from smokeing like a carton of ciggs a day.. (not really.. heh... more like 4 packs a day. anyway) so he doesn't have much longer to live.. which i'm ok with that fact.. but here and there it causes me to cry myself to sleep.. and add more depression in on those "bad" days.. but all in all i've accepted it b/c what else can i do?.. but he's better and they let him go home..





gone to talk to john.. ::cheeze smile::
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Monday March 25th 2002
[Monday March 2002|12:06pm]

if anyone wants to know why i'm so sad go here www.deadjournal.com/users/demonofthefall...


I didn't even know those things were said untill this morning when i checked it.. i'm so fucking scared now..



Last night i told him how things have happened that have hurt me.. about his head getting turned by other girls and him all of the sudden getting confused about things.. and so we've both been depressed.. but his journal entry really worries me.. we've talked about this so many times.. but last night things were unvailed and all and it hurt us both.. then he said soemthing about Jessica in his journal.. that's his "first love".. how he still feels about her after so many years still makes me sad.. of course.. i don't know how to deal with all this.. but i'm a strong person.. i've been here longer for him than anyone has and that's been a constant thing.. a 24/7 thing and he's told me more things about himself to me than he has anyone else.. we're so fucking close.. i cant loose him in anyway b/c something will die inside me.. and i don't want to be here alone..




god damn this is so hard





here's some irony...:
Virgo: You blink and the scene shifts, suddenly appearing like nothing you ever expected. With all the chaos that is swirling around you, you're still smiling and exerting a comforting force on the rest of the world. Expect to be compensated. Very soon you'll be glad that you chose the curved and rutted road over the paved highway. Not only was the scenery much better, but it also delivered you to a place you wouldn't have reached otherwise.
Romance: There's a lot going on, and your feelings could get hurt or trampled during the chaos. If your mate or date is being overbearing, either agree with them or get out of the room. This is no time to play devil's advocate

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Saturday March 23rd 2002
[Saturday March 2002|2:47pm]

I keep telling myself that we will get better.. that he'll start wanting me more.. that this will pass and we'll start growing together like we always have ever since we've met each other.. and esp. when it was made clear to each other that we shared love.. but i'm going to fucking die if it doesn't happen soon.. this is part of my depression.. i feel i'm not wanted.. and i have no fucking reason to think that.. me and my fucking "scenses"..







the fuck with me.

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Thursday March 21st 2002
[Thursday March 2002|11:44pm]

Things are getting worse.. i can't believe i'm this sad.. i feel nothing's going to ever go right again in my life.. i'm going to loose everything............






















someone take these dreams away
that point me to another day
a duel of personalities
that stretch all true reality
-NIN

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Wednesday March 6th 2002
[Wednesday March 2002|11:17am]

This is my first entry.. this is supposed to be interesting.. so here i go..


You walk down a path of innocence as your decidence fades with in my light, or lack there of. I decend upon you with oh such ease, you hardly notice. I laugh at your innocence as i bear your death within my teeth. Your already pale neck could use some color, so i bite down upon your lively-hood, just so i can take it......





More to come. ::evil grin::

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